talk alot
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
who knows? who expected?
NOBODY.
NOT ME AT LEAST.
it's been so long since i last cried. i thought i wont cry that hard unless i suffer another heartache.
BUT! i was just so wrong.
absolutely wrong.
terribly wrong.
i guess i just didnt know myself as well as i thought.
maybe i was too emotional. i should have controlled myself. it's like CRY FOR WHAT?! those tears were precious to me. crying would only make me look uglier. the swollen eyes could be avoided IF I DIDNT CRY.
CRY CRY CRY.
why am i still such a crybaby?
i cried almost everyday as a small girl. i cried when i didnt get what i wanted. i cried when my parents scolded me. i cried when i see people sad. i cried when my results were lousy. i cried when i watch touching tv shows. (tear i mean) i cried when i found out derek lied to me.
i thought i grew up when i stopped all these i did above when i was younger. (except the tv shows one) i didnt expect myself crying today becoz i was sad, upset over the slightest thing. i really meant SLIGHTEST THING. if you know why i cried, you'll think im sick. seriously.
SO PEOPLE, DO ME A FAVOUR. DONT ASK ME WHY I CRIED.
it's not that im ashamed of crying. (if im ashamed, i wont blog to say i cried la. use a lil common sense ok?) i just feel a lil weird. i haven cried for so long and when i actually FINALLY managed to cry, it was over the lamest thing. oh god! and it's like SO MANY people saw me cry before. so does it actually make a difference when i only cried to my pillow today? no eyes witnessed me today as a crybaby. so what's there to be ashamed of?
i doubt anyone understands how i feel. i cant possibily tell people at home i cried. they'll make a big fuss over it. and obviously, they'll try talking sense into me. WHAT FOR? it's the problem with my emotion. can it be controlled? IT CANT. i should just tell the whole world that MY EMOTIONS CANNOT BE CONTROLLED.
the conclusion shall still be as it is:
AMANDA HASNT GROWN TO BE A MATURED LADY. IN FACT, SHE'S STILL A CRYBABY.
it's one big painful fact which i choose to avoid and hide.
i wanna be ALONE and AWAY.
emotion-less
